Current mood:

silly

my feeble attempt
April 1, 2005 <----- NOTE THE DATE!!!!

Unto the esteemed Directors of the Society, greetings:

Herein follows my report to the Board of Directors regarding the activities of my office for its April 2004 quarterly meeting.

A. ACTION ITEMS
1) I still haven’t heard back regarding my request last year so here it is again. To make this office more authentic and comparable with other Society-level offices, I have decided to style myself as Bezant Queen of Coins. I am requesting money for the Bezant Coronet, Scepter, and Imperial Robes. If I am not granted this request, I’m not responsible for what happens when Guido Gambino coming over to ‘splain some things to the Board.
2) In response to the policy on Coins, I am making a change to my prior report. To enhance the period flavor of events, I will be establishing an SCA Largesse guild. I am requesting start up money of US$700K in order to buy enough gold to forge the Bezants which will be the SCA largesse of choice. The coins will be in seven denominations, each one having a different Board member as the face, and the laurel wreath on the back. These will be distributed to the paid membership by the Crowns once per year as a membership perk. Anyone complaining that courts now take many hours to hold as each paid member is called into court by name to receive these tokens is probably jealous and should get a membership.
B. NEW POLICIES
Last year’s report directed all exchequers, to make the medieval Exchequer experience more realistic, to convert their funds into coins of the realm and bury the funds in jars underneath trees in the exchequer’s back yards. This year, as part of the new Gambino initiative, all receivable open accounts will be forwarded to Jimmy ‘the Hammer’ Gambino for collection.
C. COMMENDATIONS
Mistress Rowena of Avalon, who inspired me to join in the silliness. Although, it is still kinda hard to make money funny.
D. STATUS REPORT
Kingdom Items:
Aethelmearc:
In an effort to remain impartial in the Pennsic War, this Kingdom requests to be renamed Switzermearc. As a new financial initiative, they are offering to hold funds for all other kingdoms in jars under unmarked trees.

Ansteorra:
Good news: They have stopped sending in the NMS in cows. Bad News: They have instead started sending the NMS in pork barbecue.

An Tir:
The NMS moose steaks and apple cider have been great as long as they haven’t been stalled at the border, in which case an extra expense for air fresheners in the Corporate office has been recorded. The rest of An Tir that isn’t in a principality wants to form one just to keep up with the others.

Artemisia:
Mistress Bronwen and her mom have found a period-style red-hat that they can make for everyone. Unfortunately, this would be personal private benefit to the recipients and so we cannot use SCA funds to pay for them.

Atenveldt:
No, they cannot use SCA funds for research into period hot pepper applications at feasts, since those peppers are new world. They spent all their extra funds on wood chips to de-swamp Estrella anyway.

Atlantia:
No, they cannot use SCA funds to finance scuba diving expeditions for Kingdom Officers in the Caribbean in order to find the ‘real’ Atlantis.

Caid:
No, it would not be a good idea to give the entire kingdom coffers to the Church of Scientology, I don’t care if it *is* another 501(c)(3).

Calontir:
Master Andrixos has inspired an upsurge in game-show format events. However, the Endowment fund cannot be used as the prize for these events, no matter how many medieval questions get answered properly.

Drachenwald:
They seriously need help figuring out how to do their reports. I think I should be flown to each and every group over there to help them figure out a consistent strategy for getting them to report. I’ll take any Board member with me who gets the others to approve the expense. This offer is still good from last year.

Ealdormere:
Ealdormere just doesn’t see what the fuss is over separately incorporating. It’s like the rest of Canada doesn’t believe Ontario is the 51st US state!

East:
In order to make reporting by state more manageable, they will be splitting into West-East and East-East. The argument is now ensuing as to which one is *really* the People’s Republic of the East.

Meridies:
Meridies is getting ready for Gleann Abhann to roll off. They’re searching for another Icon to use since they’ll be losing Elvis.

Middle:
In a stunning turn of events, the Midrealm has now decided that they want to *really* emulate medieval administration. Therefore, all administrative forms on wood-based paper are to be burned in effigy and forms and reports will now only be accepted on illuminated parchment, papyrus or carved stone monoliths.

Northshield:
The rock used at Coronation turns out to be expensive to move around. They want to create a shrine for it, but they can’t buy land to hold it. Instead, it will live in Viscountess Gwyneth’s house as a base for the statue of her they are having sculpted. Unfortunately, BoD Babe is a non-period design so SCA funds cannot be used for it. Instead, the artist is creating the sculpture of her in the style of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus painting. They’re pretty sure she’ll be okay with that, since it *is* period…

Outlands:
The good-old-boys network has told me that there’s nothing funny to say here. Or Else.

Trimaris:
In a stunning turn of events, they have decided that *all* events need to be run through the Kingdom account. This was easy due to the constant hurricanes this summer – most events were cancelled anyway.

West
In a stunning turn of events, the West decides that 90% of the rest of the world must be right and have decided to do everything just like everyone else. Several old-timers then hold a protest march down Telegraph Avenue protesting the modern middle ages.


F. PUBLISHABLE SUMMARY
I don’t think that would be a good idea.

Enjoy! I hope this is at least a little funny….


Susan Earley
Society Exchequer, SCA Inc.